A Shame Free Zone
by Rev. Colin Bossen, May 31, 2009
Earlier this month UUA Stewardship Consultant Frankie Price-Sterns led the congregation through the process of drafting a new mission statement. Over the course of a weekend about forty people in small groups shared what they treasured most about our community. At the end of the weekend the small group facilitators, Frankie and I gathered together to refine the words of the small groups into a mission statement. That statement reads: "We are a joyful, welcoming, religious community. We strive to be a sanctuary for all who enter, to reflect the diversity of the local community, and to work toward a more just and sustainable society."
The mission statement has been approved by the Board. It will be presented to the congregation for an up-or-down vote at a congregational meeting in September. If it is adopted we will use it to guide us as we continue to work together to imagine and create the future of our religious community.
This morning I want to explore a portion of the proposed mission statement. Specifically, I want to consider what it means to be a "welcoming, religious community" that acts as "a sanctuary for all who enter." To some extent, we already live this part of our mission. We expand upon these sentiments every Sunday when we read our welcome statement at the beginning of the service and assert that everyone is welcome into our community regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, race, economic status and mental or physical abilities. Our welcome statement is a statement of radical acceptance. Sitting up here most Sundays I have seen first time visitors visibly settle into their seats with relief when we read our welcome. Having talked to those of you who have made the transition from visitor to friend to member I know that the sense of relief can be great. Our welcome can give someone permission to simply be themselves.
At its best this is what a Unitarian Universalist congregation does, it gives people permission to be themselves. This is not something that our society often gives us. Much of life in America is organized around competition. We compete against each other for jobs, for entrance into schools and for life partners. When we fail to achieve top marks or the goals we, or others, set we can be filled with a sense of inadequacy. This sense of an inadequacy often creates a sense of shame.
Shame develops when an idealized vision of the self is not met with the self's reality. The idealized vision is usually created, in some form, by others--society, family, friends, the community in which one participates. It is not who we are but who others would have us be.
During the current economic crisis I suspect that many people are confronting feelings of shame. A middle manager at a corporation might lose her job after twenty years of hard work and find herself looking for an entry level position in another field. She might fear losing her home and her identity as a member of the middle class. Her sense of self might be disrupted and she might be immobilized with feelings of inadequacy.
Our congregation should be a place where such a person can come and be free of such feelings of inadequacy. We should be a shame free zone. One of the great messages of liberal religion is that you, yourself, are adequate for the love of the community just as you are. This is the core of the first principle of the Unitarian Universalist Association, that we covenant to affirm and promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Each of us has worth and value just for being human and being alive. When we join together for worship each Sunday morning we promise each other that each of us is welcome here. We need not be ashamed for being who we are. We are a welcoming community.
Shame can be very damaging to the human spirit. It can prevent us from truly being ourselves. James Baldwin's great novel "Giovanni's Room" offers a portrait of just how destructive shame can be. Perhaps you remember the story of David and Giovanni, two lovers who are ultimately destroyed by their shame.
David is a young American living in Paris. Despite his history of homosexual relations he has become engaged to Hella, another young American living in Paris. When Hella leaves for Spain for a few months to decide whether or not she actually loves David he meets Giovanni. Giovanni is a bartender at an underground gay bar. Giovanni owes his job to Guillaume, the bar's owner, who wants Giovanni as his lover. David moves into Giovanni's room on the edge of Paris and the two become lovers. Eventually Guillaume fires Giovanni for refusing his advances. Shortly afterwards Hella returns from Spain and David, unwilling to admit to himself that he is gay, leaves Giovanni for Hella knowing "One day I'll weep for this. One of these days I'll start to cry."
Giovanni is left destitute and is forced to become a sort of gigolo. Ultimately he is sexually humiliated by Guilluame when he tries to get his old job back. In a fit of passion, ashamed of what he has become and how he has been used, he kills Guillaume. He is caught and sentenced to death. Too late David, his chance for love with Giovanni ruined, admits to himself his sexual orientation. Hella leaves him and he finds himself alone in the world.
David's shame leads him to try to be someone other than who is. As a result he spurns Giovanni's love and scars Hella. Giovanni's shame at falling low in the social hierarchy causes him to lash out and ultimately not care about life or death. Much damage is caused by both characters' inability to reconcile who they are with whom they and society imagine them to be. How much suffering and pain would have been avoided if David had been able to simple be himself? What would have happened if he was free from shame?
Considering people's sense of shame and inadequacy during the current economic crisis Unitarian Universalist minister Forrest Church advises us to "want what you have; do what you can; and be who you are." Making peace with these aspects of our lives is surest way to escape shame. Instead of trying to be who we are not, trying to fulfill some idealized vision created by someone else, we can accept ourselves.
This is a great challenge. But one of the gifts this religious community can offer is we can assure each other that no matter what our faults or differences each person is welcome here. You have nothing to be ashamed for being who you are. It can be hard to remember this sometimes. We are constantly bombarded with images and ideas that suggest we are inadequate. Such images and ideas might come from the media, from our parents, from our children, from our friends... Often they are offered up unintentionally or with benevolent motives. When they come we find ourselves to be inadequate. Perhaps are we told that to be successful in life is to be rich and we are poor. Perhaps our parents tell us that we will not be loved if we are queer. Perhaps society tells us there is something wrong with us because of the color of our skin or the shape of our nose. Conflicts between the idealized self and who we actually are cause a sense of shame. And we suffer. And we lash out and damage ourselves and those around us.
At such times, I suggest you take to heart the words of our poet from this morning, Wendell Berry. When you are confronted with shame, when the idealized self, created by others, does not quite match who you are "Be ready. / When their light has picked you out / and their questions are asked, say to them: / 'I am not ashamed.'"
This is a message of liberation. It is something we offer to each other every Sunday morning when we gather and read our words of welcome. We need not be ashamed for who we are. We need to understand that there is, that we can create, one place, one community, that is a shame free zone. We can accept ourselves and each other for who we are. We can want what we have, do what we can and be who we are. Imagine how transformative such a place could be. Imagine the healing that could take place. Imagine how the human spirit, freed from its fetters, could soar. Such a place would truly be a joyful, welcoming, religious community and a sancturary for all who enter.
May that place be this place.
Amen.